There's been quite a ruckus in the news recently about genetically modified food. The subject raises a number of questions -- is it safe? Is it cheap? Is it tasty? Is it ethical? Will eating it turn us all into rabid mutant zombies? The answers, of course, are 'yes', 'no', 'probably', 'who cares?', and 'lordy, I hope so, just to spice things up a little'. But not necessarily in that order.


At any rate, I'm all for fiddling with our food's DNA. We already cross-breed crops, shoot livestock full of growth juice, and pretty up the results with food coloring and shiny packaging. Why not just cut to the chase and engineer the stuff the way we want it in the first place? And as long as we're going to the trouble, let's go all the way. Forget adding a vitamin here or a hormone there; we're at the top of the food chain, so let's start acting like it.


With that in mind, I have a few specific suggestions on modifications I'd like to see:


Cows that milk themselves: Think of all the trouble we've gone to over the years to squeeze the moo juice out of these beasts. Farmers get up before dawn to do it, which is inconvenient at best -- and how do you think the cows feel? You think your doctor has cold hands? Just imagine if your exam was at five in the morning, in your bedroom, and concentrated largely on the nipples? That's not good for anyone.


And those big, expensive milking machines -- what a waste of effort. Why don't we just finagle the cows to do it themselves? Engineer an arm or two down there; maybe even a funnel of some kind to help out. It just seems easier all around.


Walnuts with zippers: Maybe this is just me; perhaps I'm the only one who has trouble cracking tough nuts. Maybe the rest of you can snap them open with two fingers, or your teeth, or between your rock-hard glutes.


But for those of us lacking in the 'buns of steel' department, a zipper in the shell would be a huge help. And while we're at it, can we do something about those coconuts, too? I nearly lose a finger every time I grapple with one of those hairy monstrosities.


Rice in designer colors: Everyone's bored of the same tired old white rice. Brown rice is okay, but it's not particularly exciting. Nobody gets a rush when they see plain old rice on the plate. Ho. Hum.


But what if it were green and red, to match the side salad? Or the same subtle pink as your salmon steak? Or neon blue -- just because we can? Now that's an idea I can sink my teeth into. Maybe we could even manage to give the stuff some taste, while we're in there.


Eight-legged turkeys: Some of you may be familiar with John Madden's custom of giving out turkey leg awards during Thanksgiving football games. Of course, he doesn't stop with just two -- Madden's minions construct a turkey for him with four legs, six legs, or even more. And why not? Everybody loves drumsticks, right?


So let's grow the birds that way in the first place -- tasty legs for everyone! Presuming we can catch the turkeys, of course. These sorts of improvements never come without a price.


These are just a few suggestions. If we're really committed to this, anything's possible -- self-peeling oranges, potatoes the size of watermelons, or broccoli that tastes like chocolate. And isn't that worth the risk of turning into a zombie? Bon appetit.