I've been wondering lately -- are the kids still doing that silly thing where the guy has to ask for explicit permission at every step of the making-out process before making a move? I recall that sort of system being encouraged in schools the past few years. It seems overly cumbersome, if you ask me.


If you haven't heard of this particular brand of collegiate cockblockery, here's how it works: a young suitor can chat with his lass for as long as he likes. Now, I'm guessing he's still not allowed to say things like, 'So, you a stripper?' or 'I'll show you my love tube if you'll show me yours.' Not if he's playing strictly by the rules, anyway -- generally speaking, he's got to keep things squeaky cleanish.


But if the guy wants to push the envelope a little, relationship-wise, he's got to ask her permission first. He might lean in close, look deep into her eyes, and say:


'Pardon me, miss, but would it be terribly troubling if I placed my hand on your knee?'


Or, if he's already past that hurdle, maybe he'd ask:


'So, dear... how about if I give you just a little peck, right there just on the elbow?'


And perhaps later in the evening:


'Okay, I'm going to strap this thing onto you now, and then I'll bring in the hamsters. If you feel uncomfortable with any of this, you just tell me, and we'll stop. The safeword is 'colostomy'.'


Now, all of this is well and good -- certainly, we can't have horny guys grabbing and clawing their way into young ladies' unmentionables. At least, not any more, apparently. Not like the good old grabby, clawy days. But it seems to me that these formal, specific questions could really get tiresome in a real-life situation. Assuming all the participants are willing, it's not as easy to keep things 'hot and heavy', when you're constantly forced to ask, 'Is it okay if we get hot?' and 'Would you be comfortable with heavy right now?'


Come to think of it, I've got no information on whether it's only the guy that has to do the asking. But that's what I'm assuming. If the girl were on the hook to push things along, I think it'd go a little quicker:


Her: Is it okay if I take off my shoes?
Him: Absolutely. And actually, let's just assume that my answer is going to be 'yes', up to and including, 'Have you ever had one of these in your mouth before?' And probably past that, too.


Presumptuous? Yes. But things would go so much more quickly.


So, here's my idea -- scrap the whole question thing. Forget about checking in about what every hand and tongue and latex-covered appliance is about to do. That's too much detail. Instead, work out a scale of what's going to be allowed, and settle it beforehand. We all know that girls have figured out how far they're willing to go with a guy waaaay before the situation arises. Usually before the first date -- and sometimes, before she's even met the guy.


So, fine. Let her call the shots. Have a one-to-ten scale, with rules for each number. One is, maybe, an arm around the shoulder. Maybe five means anything above the waist. Eight gets you anything short of farm animals in the bedroom, and we think ten has something to do with bowling pins and a live octopus, but no one's yet survived to tell the details.


The point is, come up with as much detail and as many rules as you like. I guarantee you every single guy between the ages of sixteen and sixty will have it memorized verbatim within twenty-four hours. And then, it becomes so simple:


Him: Hi, Sue. You ready to go to dinner?

Her: Sure, Brad. Let's go.
Him: So -- you got a number in mind?

Her: Well, you've been so sweet. How about a 'four'?
Him: Nice. I can work with that. What if we go to the steakhouse instead of McDonalds?

Her: Oh. Well, okay, four-and-a-half. Plus a smack on the ass. Deal?
Him: Deal. Let's eat!


See? Easier. Now those crazy kids can enjoy their meal, knowing just what they're getting for 'dessert'. No muss, no fuss, and no twenty questions to decide whether an animal, vegetable, or mineral will be involved. All of the problems of courtship solved in one fell swoop. You can thank me later.



Preferably with a 'seven'. Just make sure you bring the chocolate pudding. We wouldn't want a 'nine' to break out accidentally, now, would we?