I'm tired of meteorologists. Particularly meteorologists who are wrong ninety percent of the time, which is all of them. You'd think the weatherfolks on TV -- with their fancy satellites and pretty clothes and non-threatening hair -- would get it right. But no. They're no better off than the rest of us -- except they work indoors, so why should they care how accurate the forecast isn't?


I don't really blame the weather wranglers, per se. Deciphering the atmospheric omens is an impossible task. Sure, they know what will happen when a cold front meets a warm front, comin' through the rye. But if some fat guy in Omaha farts the wrong way, all bets on the weather patterns further east are off. It's like the 'butterfly flapping its wings' example in chaos theory, only with a fat Nebraskan, instead. That makes it 'edgy'.


So, to help out our luckless weather-predicting chums, I've developed the Universal Forecast. It's can't-miss, foolproof, and just vague enough to work every time. Observe:


'Hello, folks -- this is Joe Wetgaloshes with your friendly afternoon weather report. Let's look at the forecast.


Today will be partly cloudy. The sun may peek out, but the chance of rain is around fifty percent. The temperature will be seasonably warm, though we do have a cold front moving in from the west. So you may want to take a light jacket or GoreTex parka with you, just in case.


The barometer is rising slightly, except in those areas where it's falling, just a bit. So be aware of that.


In the extended forecast, we're seeing a low pressure system on the horizon, and a high pressure system not far behind. Right now, we're not expecting any weather issues, but if that changes we'll let you know at least three minutes before the really hard stuff comes down. Probably.


That's your forecast for today. So grab your sunglasses, bathing suit, umbrella, coat, earmuffs, and long johns, and have fun out there! I'll be back tomorrow to tell you the same damned thing, only in a high, squeaky voice. I'm Joe Wetgaloshes, and this has been your 'guaranteed accurate' forecast. Good night!'


See? Foolproof. All it misses are the really big weather disasters. But those are covered, too -- just run the following Universal Weather Alert, in case of emergency, and you're all set:


'This is Joe Wetgaloshes with a special weather report. We interrupt your very most favoritest show just as [the snitch is about to get it / the crafty detective is revealing the murderer / the funny fat guy gets himself out of this week's ridiculous pickle / the hot chick strips down to her bikini] , to bring you this emergency weather alert.


We have reports of an impending weather crisis that will soon reach the area. Viewers should be on the lookout for [whiteout blizzard conditions / torrential monsoon rains / searing heat waves / killer tsunamis / alien terror squads / plagues of locusts] in their area. We advise all people to remain in their homes or other shelter.


We further want to stress that this is a real weather emergency, and not that annoying beepy EBS thing that you sometimes hear. We wouldn't cut into your favorite show just for that; we're not quite that sadistic.


Also, based on the data that we have, we must advise that you carefully monitor any [elderly / children / infants / cats / dogs / fields of wheat] that may be in particular danger from this crisis, and be sure to keep them [indoors / outdoors / warm / dry / underground / uneaten] at all times for their continued safety.


Thank you for your attention. We anticipate a return to our usual bland, nondescript forecast in a few [hours / days / weeks / millennia]. We now return you to your most favoritest show, already past the good part and into the closing credits.'


Man. Meteorologists could have it so easy. What the hell are they thinking?