I've just concocted the best office game ever.


Maybe you've already played this game. I didn't steal my idea from anyone, mind you, but this is the sort of thing that I can easily see being discovered independently in all sorts of industries. So perhaps the word has already gotten around. But in case it hasn't, here are the rules.


First, you need an office of some sort. I'd have thought that this would be an obvious prerequisite for an 'office game', but you never know what sort of loose interpretation people are going to take. So right up front, I'll mention it. Preferably you'd want a fairly large office, with lots of people. And a social one, too -- the more people you personally know in your office, the more fun you'll have.


You're also going to need one of those voice-activated auto-directory thingamabobs on the phone system in your office. You know, the function that lets you dial a number and speak someone's name into the phone to reach their extension. This directory service dealie is the heart of the game.


The rules for this game are very simple. Gather together an arbitrary number of players. Each person gets to come up with one word or phrase to say to the recorded auto-directory voice. The winner is the person, determined by popular vote, whose word returns the most appropriate person for whatever was spoken.


Needless to say, the words should be disparaging, insulting, and, if possible, dirty as all hell.


So, for instance, you might say into the phone, 'Needledick'. The disembodied directory voice might ask, 'Do you mean Stephen Glick?' At which point, you and your buddies have to decide how appropriate the answer is. Maybe Steve's a good guy; maybe he's even playing the game with you. But maybe, this Glick guy really is a needledick -- score! Laughs all 'round, and a shot at the grand prize.


There's some strategy involved, of course. Maybe only you remember that asshole down in accounting named Tucker or Rucker or Glasswipe. That would be a major find. But maybe he's pissed everybody off, so they're all gunning for him. You'd do well to look for a different insult that sounds like someone else's name, just to set yourself apart. Maybe 'dumbass' could be 'Thomas'. Or 'fathead' would sound enough like 'Fred' to work. Experiment. Try some combinations. Don't be afraid to cheat. This ain't the Olympics, folks.


Above all, have fun. See who 'incompetent boob' and 'waste of human flesh' bring up in your office. Even these old chestnuts are worth a giggle if the person served up by the directory is deserving enough. Just pray it's not your name coming up. This is just the sort of thing that could get a nickname stuck on you for life. You could be 'Dimwit Dixon' or 'Flighty Freddie' for years if you're not careful with this. Feel free to cut the directory bitch off if you hear your name started. That's your last line of defense before the gathered crowd turns on you. Choose wisely, and act fast. That's the only way to survive, 'The Directory of Doom' game.


And it beats the hell out of suffering through a staff meeting, eh? Dial it in.