I'm here to help, folks. Really. I find problems, and I make sure they get solved. That's just the swell sort of guy I am.


"Maybe they've stopped teaching grammar in school. Or maybe folks just need a bit of a refresher. And maybe people are just drooling morons."


So, when I looked and saw the horrible butchering of the English language going on all around me, I simply had to act. Maybe they've stopped teaching grammar in school. Or maybe folks just need a bit of a refresher. And maybe people are just drooling morons. I don't know, and I don't want to go there right now. What I do want to do, however, is help.


(Again, with the 'swell guy' thing. I'm a regular friggin' samaritan, ain't I?


Er, ahem. I mean, 'aren't I?' Of course. Moving on, then. And don't talk to me about sentence fragments, all right? I'm trying to tell you something over here.)


So, back to the helping. In my experience, I've found that it's often easier to remember a rule or lesson if there's a mnemonic available to help you. Now, the annals of grammar contain a few of these mnemonical hints, the most famous being:


'I' before 'e'
Except after 'c',

Or when sounding like 'a',

As in 'neighbor' and 'weigh'.


Effective, right? Easy to remember, catchy, and informative. Once you've heard it a couple of times, the lesson sticks. It's beautiful.


But it's not enough. Just one mnemonic isn't going to get us anywhere. So I've come up with a few more, to help out the masses with all of their speaking and writing needs. Let's try one out, shall we?


There's no place for 'of'
In 'I could of been rich';

The correct word is 'have',
You half-witted bitch.


See? Helpful, catchy, and memorable, too. Soon, you'll be seeing this stuff being taught in third grade English classes -- just you watch. How about another one?


Save your filthy apostrophes

for words that are contractions;
As in, 'What's up with your winkie?

It's lost all of its action.'


Okay, so maybe that one didn't make much sense. Screw it -- at least it rhymed. You think Funk and Wagnall got this shit right the first time? Let's go again:


Don't use 'their' with an 'i'
When you mean 'they're' or 'there';

If you do it again,
I'll dip your nethers in Nair.


Hoo boy, is this fun. Next!


We all know that 'ain't'

Isn't truly a word;
So stop saying that shit,

You insufferable turd.


Stop, I'm gonna pee. I mean, I knew this would be helpful, but I could do this for hours, just to entertain myself. My god, this is fun. Hey, wait, I just said 'gonna' -- lemme do one about that:


Only a lazy-ass bitch
Would say 'gonna' or 'lemme';

Have you got a damned defect
In your dumbassed brain stemmy?



Ay, chihuahua, that's the stuff. All right, I'm done for now, but this has been a hoot. A real-life, certifiable hoot. Who said English couldn't be fun?