Ten Hints That Tell a Guy He's Too Old to Ever Be Sexy Again


10) You still imagine yourself participating when you watch steamy love scenes at the movies -- only now you consider how you'd break a damned hip, if you were to carry on like that.


9) Your idea of a date involves an episode of 'Diagnosis: Murder' and a Denny's Grand Slam breakfast. With the right girl, maybe there'll be canasta afterward.


8) Two words: coin purse.


7) You've given up on finding yourself a smoking hot MILF, and set your sights on a nice matronly GILF, instead. You'd better hope she's a Polydent user, Romeo.


6) Watching your favorite TV programs evokes thoughts like: 'I wonder why Bea Arthur and that Dick Van Dyke fellow never got together. They could have had the most handsome children!'


5) Girls no longer give you their phone numbers in bars; instead, they give you the number of a good toupee fitter.


4) Four more words: 1984 Buick Riviera sedan.


3) The barber shaves your ears during a haircut. He doesn't even ask -- he just does it.


2) You notice your nipples getting more tender and sensitive. It's from your belt chafing them when you've pulled your pants up under your armpits. Who are you, Ed Grimley's dad?


1) You make Saturday Night Live references from before anyone reading this was even born. You'll clearly never be sexy again -- you ignorant slut.

10) You still imagine yourself participating when you watch steamy love scenes at the movies -- only now you consider how you'd break a damned hip, if you were to carry on like that.


9) Your idea of a date involves an episode of 'Diagnosis: Murder' and a Denny's Grand Slam breakfast. With the right girl, maybe there'll be canasta afterward.


8) Two words: coin purse.


7) You've given up on finding yourself a smoking hot MILF, and set your sights on a nice matronly GILF, instead. You'd better hope she's a Polydent user, Romeo.


6) Watching your favorite TV programs evokes thoughts like: 'I wonder why Bea Arthur and that Dick Van Dyke fellow never got together. They could have had the most handsome children!'


5) Girls no longer give you their phone numbers in bars; instead, they give you the number of a good toupee fitter.


4) Four more words: 1984 Buick Riviera sedan.


3) The barber shaves your ears during a haircut. He doesn't even ask -- he just does it.


2) You notice your nipples getting more tender and sensitive. It's from your belt chafing them when you've pulled your pants up under your armpits. Who are you, Ed Grimley's dad?


1) You make Saturday Night Live references from before anyone reading this was even born. You'll clearly never be sexy again -- you ignorant slut.

Two random lists that have nothing whatsoever to do with each other. So far as you know, anyway.

Selected Excerpts from Employee Evaluations I Have Received


'Obviously exaggerated skill set on resume.'
'Better suited to a part-time role.'

'Often tardy.'
'Doesn't work well with others; known to snap.'

'Needs simple tasks explained multiple times.'
'Not easily motivated; could be more of a self-starter.'

'Reprimanded several times for inappropriate pinching.'
'Caught blogging during business hours.'

'Often found sleeping on the job.'
'Prone to slipping out early for a beer.'

'Suggestion: demote to custodial position?'
'Surprisingly thorough.'


Selected Excerpts From Comments My Wife Has Made After Sex


'Obviously exaggerated skill set on resume.'

'Better suited to a part-time role.'
'NEVER tardy.'

'Doesn't work well with others; known to bite.'
'Needs simple tasks explained multiple times.'

'Too easily motivated; could be less of a self-finisher.'
'Reprimanded several times for inappropriate pinching.'

'Caught blogging during 'business' hours.'
'Often found sleeping immediately after the job.'

'Prone to slipping out early for a beer.'
'Suggestion: demote to custodial position?'

'Surprisingly thorough.'