I had some pretty crappy toys while I was growing up. Some people think that the Slinky was the worst toy ever conceived because it could only do one thing -- slink. And slinking isn't something I'd call 'fun'. I'm an idiot husband who can't remember to leave the toilet seat down or throw my dirty boxers in the laundry basket, so I do my fair share of slinking. Trust me on this one.


In fact, the Slinky was deemed so lame that the manufacturer came up with a catchy tune to try and sell it:


'What walks down stairs, alone or in pairs,
And makes a slinkity sound?

A spring, a spring, a marvelous thing!
Everyone knows it's Slinky.

It's Slinky, it's Slinky;
It's fun, it's a wonderful toy.

It's Slinky, it's Slinky;
It's fun for a girl or a boy!'


I ask you, what kind of self-respecting toy needs a catchy song? Did Monopoly need a catchy song? Did the Nintendo need a catchy song? Did Chutes 'n' freaking Ladders?


No. Because when you describe those games, the entertainment potential is obvious. When you describe a Slinky, all you get are blank gaping stares.


Slinky Man: Hey, kiddo -- want to buy a Slinky?

Fun-Loving Kid: What's that?
Slinky Man: Well, it's a metal coil that falls down the stairs.

Fun-Loving Kid: Oh. Then, no.
Slinky Man: But look -- it's springy! Sort of.

Fun-Loving Kid: Uh, no thanks.
Slinky Man: But you can shake it in your hands! See?

Fun-Loving Kid: Mister, you're scaring me a little.
Slinky Man: Hey, I know! I've got this swell song I can sing to you about it!

Fun-Loving Kid: I'm really not supposed to talk to strangers. I'm running away now.


Still, this isn't about Slinkys. This is about toys that were even crappier than Slinkys -- toys so dismal and disappointing they never even bothered to write songs for them.


So I have.


Here are a few of the craptacular toys I suffered through as a child, and the Slinky-esque songs that the marketers might have written for them -- had anyone actually given a damn at the time. Join me, won't you, on a stroll through the toy chest from hell...

1. Jarts:


'They fly through the sky, they'll put out your eye,
Or maybe they'll lop off a toe!

They'll pierce your ass, like hot shards of glass;
And off to the ER you'll go!

They're Ja-arts, they're Ja-arts!
Sharp metal death overhead!

They're Ja-arts, they're Ja-arts!
Clearly, your folks want you dead!'


2. Lite-Brite


'What takes all day (not in the good way),

And uses up all of your power?
Half the pieces are missed, you just burned your wrist,

To make a pic of another dumb flower?!
It's Lite-Brite, it's Lite-Brite!

Where the hell did the red pieces go?
It's Lite-Brite, it's Lite-Brite!

I bet this is what set off Van Gogh!'


3. Rubik's Cube


'You study the tiles, you read strategy files;
Still the cube is no closer to solved!

You get in too deep, and lose hours of sleep;
How can a toy get you so damned involved?

It's Rubik's, it's Rubik's!
You'll feel like your head's full of fat!

It's Rubik's, it's Rubik's!
When some kid solves it in six seconds flat!'


4. Sea Monkeys


'You'll soon have new friends, with gills and tail fins;

The ads make them look freaking sweet!
You're no mermaid pimp; those things are just shrimp,

And not big enough even to eat!
They're S'Monkeys, they're S'Monkeys!

Three bucks is an ungodly sum!
They're S'Monkeys, they're S'Monkeys!

To buy 'food' for your aquar-i-um!'


5. Easy-Bake Oven


'Have you got what it takes, to bake your own cakes;
To a delicious 'n' crisp golden brown?

Not if the light bulb inside 'er, catches on fire,
And sends your whole house burning down!

It's Easy! Bake Oven!
Bake your cupcakes in only a day!

It's Easy! Bake Oven!
Just eat the frosting and put it away!'


6. Silly Putty


'It comes in egg shapes, it'll stick to your drapes;

Or to your funny page's bumps!
Press it down on your daily, to transfer Beetle Bailey;

It's entertaining approx'mately once!
It's Silly! It's Putty!

You just wanted to copy Boondocks!
It's Silly! It's Putty!

How the hell'd it wind up in your socks?'


7. Weebles


'They wave to and fro, with no place to go,
Mini-dolls with their fat useless rumps!

Like kids on the booze, or road repair crews,
They just sit there inert on their humps!

They're Weebles! They're Weebles!
They wobble, but they never fall!

They're Weebles! They're Weebles!
Truth is, they do nothing at all!'


8. Pong


'The blip will careen, on your black 'n' white screen;

It'll keep you awake days and nights!
But soon, we've no doubt, when the real games come out,

You'll realize just how much it bites!
It's Po-ong, it's Po-ong!

It's like tennis, without all the fun!
It's Po-ong, it's Po-ong!

What is this, nineteen fifty-one?'


9. Etch-A-Sketch


'When the wee slightest jerk, can erase a day's work,
You know you're no Salvador Dali!

If one more kid bumps your arm, you'll do him some harm;
You'll smack that bitch right in the lolly!

It's E-etch, A-Ske-etch!
Pictures fade away with a shake!

It's E-etch, A-Ske-etch!
How much mis'ry can one artist take?'


10. Simon


'Blue, Green, then Red; get it into your head!

Or Simon will give you a razz!
By the time you've played twice, you won't think him nice;

He can shove blue, green and red up his ass!
He's Si-mon, he's Si-mon!

So madd'ning you'll just want to howl!
He's Si-mon, he's Si-mon!

You'd have better luck singing for Cowell!'

These are uncertain times in which we live. I remember an age not long ago when things were simpler, when a body could make sense of the world around. There was a reassuring clarity back then, a blanket of predictable routine and rhetoric shielding us from the unknown.


In short, it was a time when it was safe to be a slave to advertising.


Back then, it was easy to watch or listen to commercials, and to take heed like a good little consumer. Me, I followed all of the instructions that our robot radio and television masters transmitted. For instance:

• I always ate at least two Lay's potato chips. Sometimes three, just to be safe.


• My heart would sink, like a soggy pasta ring into meat sauce, at the mere mention of Spaghetti-Os. Uh. Oh.


• I would challenge any man, woman or child to a fight on the spot, were they to suggest that there was a quicker picker-upper than Bounty.


• I didn't just go 'cuckoo' for Cocoa Puffs. I went fricking postal for Cocoa Puffs. I once nearly killed a guy with his own Quaker Oats. True story.


• I watched 'Must See TV'. Every week. I didn't want to, particularly. I didn't even like the shows, after a while. I was compelled.


• I immediately informed the authorities if I found anyone who even hinted that they might not like Sara Lee.

Clearly, I'm a sheep. Pitch me a message, and lead me to water. If you're sellin', I'm buyin', baby.


So why is it so hard for companies today to send a clear message? Back in the day, the commercials would tell us what to do -- and we'd do it. We're Americans. We've got lots of extra money to spend, and we're not all that bright. Fish in a barrel, people!


But then, companies got cute on us. Now I watch TV and see the ads -- and I don't know what the hell to do. Just think about some of the modern ad campaigns we've been saddled with:


"Microsoft. Where do you want to go today?"


I don't know -- skiing? The Bahamas? Somewhere else where there are no computers?


"Behold... the power of cheese."


Okay, fine. I'm beholding. But when do we eat?


"Just do it."


Do what, exactly? Eat the cheese? Take that vacation? Help an ignorant brother out here.


"Like a good neighbor."


Great. When I need to borrow hedge clippers, I'll know who to call. Now how about some insurance help, there, slappy?


"Got milk?"


Um... yeah. What's your point? And what's that dripping off your upper lip, by the way?


"Is it in you?"


What, the milk? Or the cheese? This is about the cheese again, isn't it? When can I eat the goddamned cheese?!?


Even the commercials without slogans -- or even words, for that matter -- don't make any sense. That Pepsi ad, with Jimmy Fallon and Parker Posey prancing around like a couple of epileptic marionettes? No.


I'm a Pepsi drinker, and that spot doesn't make me want to drink Pepsi. That spot makes me want to feed those two head-first into an industrial blender, and frappe the living bejeesus out of them both. Who writes these things, anyway?


My only solace is that my TiVo -- my blessed, beautiful TiVo -- lets me avoid most of those damned commercials, as long as I'm not watching real-time TV. But still a few slip by, and I'm left frustrated and confused, with potentially enticing products still on the shelf, and disposable income burning a hole in my pocket. So:


"Who's gettin' a Dell?"


Not me, jackass. Damn, you ads used to be cool.